Men who are interested in open relationships are a good sign for me

Someone who chooses an open relationship has typically made very thoughtful and difficult decisions about how they want to live their life. It requires courage, transparency and honesty, although it significantly limits the dating pool.

They are better communicators

I have found that these men are open about their feelings and intentions. They know that trust is not limited to sexual fidelity. It’s about making someone feel safe, addressing problems before they explode, and backing up words with actions.

They’re also good at communicating plans, something I rarely have in the dating world, where I often don’t know when or if a man wants to see me again. With my partner in 2012, we planned our next date at the end of each date. I always felt valued and safe.

Juggling multiple people means being really good at time management, so concrete plans are important. But I see it as more than just mastering her calendar. It feels like non-monogamous men I’ve dated place a high value on relationships. They learned that if you want to share something special, you can’t let things stagnate or remain silent. Yes, I said special, not unique, which is not the same thing.

An open relationship is about more than sex

I’ve found that non-monogamous men have an abundance mentality when it comes to sex, not a scarcity mentality. You don’t have to wait, chase or pressure. For monogamous men, you are the only one who can deliver what they want unless they cheat, so there is more chance of scarcity and therefore pressure.

I recently tested this on a couple of first dates, one with a non-monogamous man and another with a man who was monogamous or was still trying to figure out his relationship type. During the evening I told them both that I waited, on average, twelve years before sleeping with a man.

The monogamous man physically backed away – he actually took a step back. “I don’t have twelve years, dear,” he said. His whole attitude was a bit offended. He quickly disappeared.

The non-monogamous type? He understands it immediately. “Ah, it’s about trust,” he said.

“Exactly!” I felt so heard. The conversation then naturally moved on to other topics – no big deal.

At the second meeting I asked him about his reaction. “You described what it was like,” he said, again showing how he could just hear what I was saying rather than seeing a threat to his likelihood of having sex. A third date is coming up.

I’ve never been in an open relationship before. I only dated men who weren’t monogamous while I was single. But they definitely taught me to expect a lot more than just bringing monogamy into a relationship.

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