The 7 C-words Tim Walz and JD Vance must master to win the vice presidential debate

Jon Macks is a comedy writer, speechwriter, and awards writer who also works as a political consultant and debate prep advisor to Democratic candidates for U.S. Senate, governor, and president..

If this were boxing, the upcoming vice presidential debate would count as the opening act; but in the bizarre world of 2024, it’s now the most important and final major election event because: 1) Kamala Harris, despite her statements, wants a debate rematch about as much as Ben Affleck wants a wedding rematch with JLo and 2) Donald Trump is sulking and bitter about the fact that Olivia Nuzzi never sent him nude photos. By the way, there’s no proof that Nuzzi actually sent those nude photos, as this was only confirmed (more or less) by RFK Jr., who, as we know, also has nude photos of a dead bear. Fun fact: RFK stands for Really F—ing Krazy.

So what should you, as a viewer, be looking for when the stakes are so high in the Walz-Vance showdown? We pros call it the “7 C-words of debate”: culture, dress, comebacks, composure, confidence, vernacular and chaos. If you’re watching and keeping score at home (that is, keeping score, unlike RFK Jr.), remember: whoever is ahead on four of the seven points will win the debate.

THE SEVEN DEBATE C-WORDS

#1 Culture

Americans like candidates who think outside the Beltway. Real Americans are devoted followers of People Magazine and TMZ, not the Congressional Record. The candidate who can turn a question about the Doomsday Glacier and its impact on our rising sea levels into inside knowledge about P Diddy’s freak-off parties will show he knows what’s being talked about at the water coolers of the five people in our country who still know what a water cooler is.

#2 Clothing

Both candidates need to appeal to male voters. My inside sources tell me that Tim Walz will appear in hunting clothes and with the same hat that Frances McDormand wore Fargo and that JD Vance will appear dressed as Catwoman.

#3 Comeback

Right now, dozens of out-of-work comedy writers and overpaid debate prep pros are providing witty answers to every candidate. Who can forget Lloyd Bentsen crushing Dan Quayle with one answer in 1988? For those who have forgotten thanks to too many indica gummy bears, after Quayle pointed out that he had as much experience in the U.S. Senate as JFK did when he ran for president, Bentsen threw the following in his face:

Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are not Jack Kennedy.

As a result, pollsters estimated that as many as three people switched their votes for George HW Bush’s frontrunner to a 5’5” nerd who drove around in a tank and wore the hat Frances McDormand wore in Fargo.

I know from my inside source that when asked about inflation and the border, Tim Walz will always answer, “It’s pronounced ‘walls,'” and that when asked about IVF treatments, Vance will change the subject by bragging that he has more experience having sex on a couch than any other vice presidential candidate since John C. Calhoun.

#4 Serenity

We don’t want our vice presidents to be easily unsettled because, once elected, they have three very important official duties: presiding over the Senate, attending funerals, and keeping the president on top of his game.

#5 Self-confidence

It’s hard to be confident when you’re the vice president. Speaking of pumped up, the vice president essentially has the same role as a fluffer. Get the big guy in the mood. If you don’t know what a fluffer is, don’t look it up at work.

#6 Colloquial language

Look for a candidate who talks like we do… and who appeals to that all-important younger generation, who 100 percent say they’re going to vote and mean it this time, unlike the last 72 elections. For me, it would be the first candidate to say they have “Riz.” Minus points for anyone who uses phrases like “that’s what she said” or “fluffer.”

#7 CHAOS

Ultimately, the winner of the debate could be the one who dominates the stage by creating chaos. Remember when Donald Trump went after Hillary Clinton in 2016; that was the moment she decided she had this election in the bag and decided to stop campaigning in Wisconsin and stop polling in Florida. And it worked out great. Perhaps the most famous moment of chaos, however, was in 1872, when Democratic candidate Hiram “Big Hat” Johnson walked off the stage in the middle of the debate, leaving his opponent Fredrick Von Strehle speechless.

I made that up, by the way. Just like I made up the seven C-words for the debate. I can’t believe I did that. Because I know how important this vice presidential debate is. I shouldn’t have been joking, because Americans need to see which of these vice presidential candidates is ready to take over from day one if needed, which politically is the equivalent of replacing the star with the fluffer.