Sociologist Franziska Schutzbach: “We can’t just naively proclaim sisterhood”

Do you regret becoming a mother?
No, but I sometimes ask myself whether I would decide to become a mother again given my current experience. And I don’t really have an answer to that. Because I find love for my children to be something incredibly enriching. I can’t even imagine what it would be like without her. But when I think about the price I paid, the wear and tear, I sometimes think I wish I hadn’t been so worn out. Motherhood is always really difficult for me; there are different voices within me about being a mother.

Connecting with women means accepting your own inadequacies – including those of others, you write. Why is this detour needed?
Because many women feel like they are not enough. This stress of not being good, beautiful, athletic or self-confident enough is an obstacle to sustaining relationships among women – to sustaining relationships at all. If you constantly feel like you’re lacking, you’ll take a different approach. In this society of constant mutual evaluation and self-judgment, we must work to gain a benevolent view of ourselves and others. And we also trust each other as inadequate. This isn’t easy. There are studies that show that women have a significantly worse opinion of other women than men have of other men. I think it is important to become aware of this evaluation logic and unlearn it in order to live fulfilling relationships with women.

Relationships between women are often very benefit-oriented. What do you mean by that?
As women’s employment has increased, their responsibility for care work has not taken over. This means that they are dependent on other women to cope with everyday life – these can be paid care workers, but also mothers, mothers-in-law or friends. This often results in very benefit-oriented relationships, which in turn re-commit themselves and thus re-traditionalize. Because they demand that I also give something: My child can go to my friend’s for lunch, but then I also have to offer lunch. That doesn’t mean that these can’t be valuable, beautiful relationships, but there is still some form of utilitarian pressure.

It is no different in the professional world.
Not at all, feminists are calling for people to network. As a result, we constantly think about whether a relationship will benefit our career or not. In my book I ask how we can live in relationships that are not oriented toward utility, but instead seem fulfilled through shared interests or the development of our own personality. Without my friends I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

However, maintaining friendships requires time and space. This is hardly possible alongside gainful employment and care work.
Admittedly, we live in a time-consuming system and have to do more and more wage work to make ends meet. Nevertheless, I am convinced that there is room for maneuver. For example, do we have to spend the whole weekend as a family? Or do we all eat together every evening? Or is it enough if we only do it twice a week and only do something together on one day of the weekend?

That also takes pressure off.
This creates more freedom for other relationships outside of the family, partnership and job. I think it is particularly important for heterosexual couple relationships that both maintain diverse friendships. It has always been crucial for me that my partner does not rest on the fact that he gets all the emotional relationships in our couple relationship fulfilled, but is also emotionally involved in other relationships. This generated a lot of space between us, and paradoxically it is precisely this space that enables a high level of intimacy and closeness.

You have just given a recipe for a successful couple relationship.
I can only speak about myself. It was always clear to me: The time we spend together can only be good if it isn’t too much, too crowded, too close. They can be good because I know that I have time for myself again and for other – friendly – ​​relationships outside of the family.

In other words, when you unbind, you can reconnect. Formulating this and then living it is a small revolution in itself.
Exactly, said the philosopher Simone Weil: It’s also about the art of distance, about honoring the “distance between yourself and what you love.” I believe we need to let go of the idea that there is only one important love relationship in our lives to which we subordinate everything else. We can expand the concept of love to include friendships, we can enhance them and put them on the same level as the relationship as a couple. In this way you get a comprehensive relationship life. This not only makes us freer, but is also important for emancipation, especially for women, because they are then less at risk of falling into a relationship of dependency.

But they also hold men accountable in this regard.
Naturally. Men also have the responsibility to take responsibility for having emotionally satisfying relationships outside of the relationship and not just looking for closeness and care from their wives.