My selfish husband ruined my health

When sales consultant Dana*, 35, met her 18-year-old ex-partner, they were both overjoyed. “There was an intense feeling of love,” she says I. “We were both very young and I got pregnant pretty quickly, but he was really happy and so was I.” Unfortunately, when their son was born, he was very unwell and Dana was forced to take responsibility for his care. “My partner wasn’t always present and I felt very alone,” she remembers. Three months into motherhood, she suffered regular panic attacks.

“He lived a life like he did before our children were born,” she says. “Constantly going out with his friends, playing soccer and leaving myself at home.” If Dana wanted to go out or even just go to the gym, she had to get a babysitter – “even for an hour.” Even when her partner was home, she couldn’t go out at night until she made sure her son was asleep. “Over time, I realized how alone I really was,” Dana remembers. Because of this, the couple “separated and reunited forever” from the time their first son was nine months old.

“It was toxic, but not really abusive,” she says. “Looking back, we were young, dramatic and it was very difficult for me to cope as a mother without his support – it was just not how I would have imagined family life.” Nevertheless, 18 months later they decided to have a second child . Dana explained that she couldn’t do everything alone, and her ex seemed to accept that. “We moved and it felt like a new beginning,” says Dana. “He was much more supportive for a while.”

However, his bad behavior reared its ugly head again and they separated for good when their second son was one year old. [My ex] I was really bad with money, unsupportive at home, financially, emotionally and as a parent to our sons,” she recalls. “I felt depressed, anxious and alone.”

Over the course of their five-year relationship, Dana’s mental and physical health had changed. She was depressed, completely burned out and had panic attacks. “I got counseling, gained a lot of weight and realized I was eating emotionally,” she says. “Certainly it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.”

Certainly not – but according to a 2021 YouGov survey, almost 40 percent of women working full-time in the UK are forced to bear the brunt of housework and child-rearing. Meanwhile, only nine percent of full-time employed men find themselves in the same situation. Recently, in 2023, another survey found that 63 percent of women do more housework than their male partners.

According to Rychel Johnson, a mental health expert and consultant, this is often the result of “entrenched societal expectations based on traditional norms.”

“Even in our modern context, with all the cultural changes moving us toward greater equality, there is this subtle pull that still gently pushes couples to revisit outdated classic scripts,” she says I. “The breadwinner oversees finances while the caring housewife seamlessly juggles the domestic sphere. These very real mental burdens and emotional burdens all too often still fall disproportionately on women, who are conditioned from a young age to prioritize nurturing behaviors.”

But even if the male partner doesn’t take on the role of “breadwinner,” this conditioning means that women are sometimes still pushed into the role of caregiver, even if that means juggling everything.

Marketing manager Lisa*, 40, was with her ex-partner for twelve years and married for eight years. “Looking back, I can now see that not only did my ex-husband not support me, but he was actively exercising,” she says I. “He wasn’t looking for a partner, he was looking for someone to take care of him, solve his problems and carry the burden of his responsibilities – he wanted a mother figure, not a wife.” Lisa was both the breadwinner and the houseworker, while her husband was “our “constantly depleting financial and emotional resources.”

Ultimately, Lisa felt stressed, anxious and isolated. “The weight of being the only adult in the relationship was overwhelming,” she says. Like Dana, she also looked for food to comfort herself and gained about 100 pounds (45 kg). “With every pound, I felt more and more like I was losing myself,” she says. “The weight wasn’t just physical; It was a symbol of all the unhappiness, the unspoken resentment and the burden of carrying the relationship alone.”

Recent research has found that an unsupportive partner can lead to an increase in the stress hormone cortisol. “People’s stress levels can really increase when they feel like their emotional needs are being ignored or neglected by their partner,” explains Dr. Sham Singh, a psychiatrist at WINIT. In this scenario, your fight or flight response is activated “continuously,” resulting in elevated cortisol levels over a prolonged period of time. “Prolonged increases in this type of cortisol may play a role in anxiety disorders and depression,” says Dr. Singh. Sex drive and self-esteem can also be affected.

Dr. Singh adds that an unsupportive partner can lead to burnout – “especially if you feel like they are the one doing almost everything in all aspects of responsibility.” This can also lead to “emotional exhaustion, reduced productivity and a feeling of alienation not only from the partner, but from various areas of life. Before Dana and her ex broke up, she found herself unable to do household tasks while Lisa began to withdraw from the things she loved.

Emotional turmoil can sometimes manifest itself physically. According to Dr. According to Singh, in extreme cases, a relationship with an unsupportive partner can lead to symptoms such as chronic headaches, sleep problems, weakened immune functions and heart problems, as well as mental health problems. While it can be difficult to know for sure whether your symptoms are due to an unhealthy relationship dynamic or something else, according to Dr. Singh important to assess how your relationship makes you feel.

“You may only notice persistent sadness, anxiety or hopelessness when you think about or interact with your partner – that’s a big sign,” he says. “If these feelings dissipate when you’re not around them, or if you realize that you generally feel better when you’re away from your partner, then that’s most likely a strong indicator that the relationship is broken “could be revived.” into the psychological problems.”

Since leaving her husband, Lisa is finally feeling like herself again. “Leaving him was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, but it was also the most necessary,” she says. “After I left, I embarked on a journey to reclaim my life and rebuild my confidence. It hasn’t been easy and it’s still a work in progress, but I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to heal.”

In addition to journaling, doing therapy, and talking to others, Lisa also strives to take care of herself physically. “I made small but significant changes to my diet, incorporated more exercise into my daily routine, and gradually felt more connected to my body again,” she says. “These changes have helped me tremendously in regaining a sense of control over my life.”

Most importantly, both Lisa and Dana have rediscovered their self-esteem – an essential part of recovering from an unsupportive relationship. “I see now that my children had everything they needed in me, and I found myself through this experience and finally realized that I also had everything I needed in me,” says Dana. “I am strong and resilient, raised my children alone for many years and am now in a really happy relationship with someone new.”

Lisa has now learned to set boundaries, prioritize her needs and recognize and appreciate her own worth. “The journey was long and challenging,” she says, “but the most important thing about it was understanding my worth.”

Of course, it can take some time to recover after a stressful relationship. According to Dr. Singh trying to find support outside of his previous relationship. “It is important to get support from friends, family or a therapist to process what you have experienced and rebuild your self-image,” he says. It’s also important not to rush into a new relationship, but instead take time to establish a self-care routine, which Dr. Singh should include exercise, diet and rest, as well as rediscovering your hobbies and interests and investing time in them. Ultimately, he says, you have to allow yourself to grieve. “Allow your feelings to heal,” he says. “Give yourself enough time to grieve and fully recover before moving forward.”

* Names have been changed