Lavender marriage: How Generation Z is redefining it

For many young people, the dating world is complicated and they live far from their family in an expensive apartment. To share the last, some of them are now accepting applications for “lavender marriages” — something previously reserved for the LGBTQ community.

The term was originally coined in the early 20th century to describe a union between a man and a woman in which one or both partners are homosexual or bisexual. It was also a marriage of convenience and was intended to provide a facade for those who wanted to hide their sexuality. At the time, the color lavender was associated with homosexuality.

But in recent months, lavender marriages have seen a resurgence on social media among Generation Z, who are tired of being broke, single and lonely. Some videos with the hashtag #lavendermarriage on Tiktok have amassed millions of views.

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Robbie Scott, a Tiktoker and musician with 300,000 followers, recently posted a video asking for “lavender marriage applications.” He wants to live with someone so he can afford his mortgage payments, utilities and taxes.

“You can mess around with whoever you want, I don’t care,” he said in the video, which has been viewed more than five million times. “I actually encourage you to do it.” Have fun. Live your best life.”

A modern lavender marriage

Traditionally, a lavender marriage was simply a legally binding marriage. Edward Reese, gender and sexuality expert at LGBTQ dating app Taimi, told Business Insider (BI) that this could still be the case. They could bring advantages in inheritance law, childcare, tax breaks and better mortgage rates.

“People might do it if one or both partners have no family or no contact with her.” “Your lavender spouse becomes not only her best friend, but a legal relative,” he said.

The modern version of a lavender marriage could also simply be a verbal agreement between two people to live their lives like a married couple, just without sex. This is different from a roommate, Reese added, who could simply move out of a shared household at any time.

“A couple in a lavender marriage is expected to work through all conflicts, discuss and compromise,” he said. “It’s a connection with commitment, love and loyalty, and all of that is possible without romance.”

Christine DeVore, a licensed clinical psychologist and director of adults and couples at Birch Psychology, told BI that a lavender marriage offers a practical solution to some of life’s stresses. “It’s a way to relieve financial stress and still be independent,” she said.

Scott’s Tiktok video was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but it prompted other Gen Z members to share their thoughts. They said that lavender marriages are “becoming more attractive every day” and that the arrangement could be what they “really need.” Several older viewers commented that they were living in lavender marriages and were happier than ever.

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Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and sexual health expert who writes for sex-positive magazine Passionerad, added that a lavender marriage has many other benefits, including physical touch and comfort.

They said benefits could also include cuddling up in front of the TV or reading a book, co-sleeping and providing physical support when needed.

“Like any marriage, you feel safe with that person,” Roos added. “Even if you’re not attracted to each other, you can benefit much more from physical proximity to your lavender spouse than from proximity to a friend or a one-night stand.”

A deeper problem

It’s unclear exactly how many of these marriages there are and to what extent what’s happening on Tiktok reflects a broader trend. But it points to serious societal problems.

Dating is still big business. In 2023 alone, dating companies generated more than five billion US dollars (around 4.6 billion euros). Match Group, which includes Tinder, Hinge and Okcupid, generated annual revenue of more than $3.4 billion (€3.1 billion), while Bumble had revenue of $1.1 billion (€1 billion) last year ) earned euros).

But growth appears to be slowing. Match Group’s paying users fell by around six percent in the first quarter of the year. The company’s value is now $9.51 billion (€8.7 billion), compared to $50 billion (€45.8 billion) in 2021. Bumble’s value has fallen by around 90 percent since going public in 2021 . It is now worth about $822 million (€752 million).

This may be because Generation Z is partly turning away from dating apps. Some believe the apps miss the point that made them interesting in the first place – they seek profit rather than creating real relationships. Others are tired of modern dating culture, with ghosting, catfishing, and some potential partners not showing up for dates at all.

One creator, 23-year-old Cleopatra, told BI that what particularly appealed to her was the community aspect, where women could live without fear of being hurt or abused. “I think the majority will be a change,” said Cleopatra. “This patriarchal lifestyle, these gender roles, have become exhausting, to say the least.”

They said the financial stability the arrangement could provide was definitely an incentive. Especially when you consider that Zoomers (members of Gen Z) would have more debt and pay more for housing than Millennials did a decade ago.

According to a recent Washington Post analysis based on data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a division of the U.S. Department of Labor, Generation Z spends 31 percent more on housing than Millennials did a decade ago. Inflation was also taken into account.

According to the analysis, the cost of car insurance for Americans ages 16 to 24 more than doubled between 2012 and 2022. Health insurance costs for this group have increased by 46 percent over the same period.

That has led some to consider “inflationary relationships” — living in the same room, in the same bed, without having sex. Lavender Marriages could take this trend even further.

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Boundaries are important

For young people rethinking their approach to relationships, a lavender marriage can be a “good replacement,” says Reese. More and more people are discovering that they are asexual or aromantic. This challenges the pop culture norm that has focused on heterosex and love for so long.

However, there are also challenges. DeVore and Roos warn that such entanglements can lead to emotional problems. Open communication about boundaries and feelings is essential.

For example, the rules of a Lavender marriage can be vague, meaning disagreements can arise over time. Partners may disagree about what is and isn’t allowed outside of the relationship and have different ideas about what cheating is.

Roos said that in this case, the lavender marriage can show its bad side, triggering feelings of jealousy and sadness if one partner feels left out.

It may also be that the arrangement doesn’t last forever, for example if one of the two decides to enter into a romantic relationship. “What felt good in the conversations before or at the beginning of the marriage may no longer feel good later,” says Roos.

Ultimately, challenges and conflicts can arise in even the most committed partnerships, DeVore said. “A lavender marriage may offer certain advantages, but it is not a guarantee of lifelong happiness and fulfillment,” said the psychologist. “It’s important to remember that no relationship, even a lavender marriage, is immune to heartbreak.”

This article was translated and edited from English by Jonas Metzner. You can read the original article here.

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